List of things I want to talk to my lover about.
i. His favourite colour (I want to paint myself in it.)
ii. If he liked his school. (I want to memorise him like I did back then.)
iii. How otters hold hands as they fall asleep so they don’t drift apart. (I think when I got one as my patronus there was a connection made I hadn’t quite realised yet.)
iv. If he thinks god is real. (I think there must be something up there pulling strings because to say this was a random sequence of events sounds so dull. Or beautiful, if you’d rather believe in fate. I wonder if he knows how long I waited for him.)
v. What kind of home he’d like to build. (I want to tell him for so long all I wanted was to run away and make a home for myself but these days I spend time on my knees next to my bed praying to gods I don’t quite believe in and thank them for bringing home to me. I promise this time I won’t run.)
vi. If he likes mountains or beaches. (I remember him telling me how he loves the water. I want to tell him how I think his eyes look like a lake I saw once, I was too afraid to step in then. His smile is like a river but I feel like I’m standing entirely still as it pulls me down unto itself.)
vii. If he has been in love before. (I can’t say for sure I have. Or maybe I can. I think all I really do know is that my hands feel like glitter when I touch him. Or like putting your hands in the bags of rice at supermarkets, touching things feeling grainy and insurmountable and comforting, knowing it sustains you. When you smile at me I remember falling into the pool like I did that one time. There is a complete stillness around, the light drifting in through waves. You are so heavy. You are so light. I feel myself going deeper and the peace that comes with it makes me lie there and listen in contentedness. It surrounds me and I let it. I feel myself running out of breath and I would rather lose it than leave. I feel my eyes close and I no longer kick, I smile. It’s blue. I want to drift in you forever.)
viii. Where he feels. (I want to kiss away the sadness in his body. I want to hold the anger and see if it stings. Run my fingers over the fear. Lay with grief. I want to live where joy is. If you point it out, I will be with you. I will let you wash over mine too.)
ix. About his firsts. (I want to know who came before me. I let his tone pierce me as I listen. I keep my smile small and listen as if I don’t want to touch him everywhere she did and replace the stains she has left behind like a shabby cover-up at the scene of the crime. I know the outline of the body will remain anyway so I hold back. I sit with the feeling for a while and thank her. I am at my pettiest when I grin Cheshire and say I hope she likes her decision to leave as much as I do. I revel in the feeling of knowing how both our heartaches have led to everything we have wanted. I hope I am everything you want.)