The day before I killed myself
I constantly considered and pondered on the words and sentences that would form my suicide note.
The words you are reading right now.
Tell my sister I am sorry I did not finish the puzzle with her
Tell my mother I am sorry for passing in her beloved sweater
Tell my father that after this I could never disappoint him again
Tell my grandmother to spread her arms as I'm finally going to meet her again.
Tell the therapist, sorry but you're not helping
tell the floor, sorry for the blood, dripping
Tell the world, you lost a soul.
You lost a good soul
Tell my friends they won't be troubled by my "Guys I feel sad" ever again
Tell my feet, its time to stop
Tell my lungs it can save oxygen for someone else perhaps
Tell my heart to stop doing its job
Tell the pain goodbye and tell goodbye I say hello
Tell the world that
I wish to shatter the silence with my teeth, my tongue
destroy it with my bare hands
intoxicated with power, as if drunk
bang it against the wall, tell it you suck
Wail like a banshee against your eardrums
beat my head against the wall, not out of insanity but simply to make some noise
I want the tea kettle to rise to soprano
screech, bawl, shout, shriek, yell
I just want the goddamn silence to go away
People take their own lives in silence
BECAUSE of silence,
and I just, I just need someone to listen.
The day after I killed myself
I wish I could unkill myself
I wish I could unkill myself after I heard my bet friend express this to me
"I'm sorry but I will not visit your grave
I will not position yellow lilies next to your dead body
I will not think about you in the past tense
I will not listen to people speak about you all soppy
What I will do is
write your poetries, write your love letters, write you songs with many errors
or better yet I'll get you to harry styles to do that
What I will do is quote friends and the Office, mold clay doh in the shapes of clouds and moons and remind you that Starbucks has a new frappuccino coming sometime soon.
What I will do is buy your favorite books and read you stories.
What I will do is stay by your side till the day comes when you finish your conditioner before your shampoo.
What I will do is feed you chicken popcorn till you cannot chew.
I don't want your deflated lungs but do want deflated birthday balloons that did their job.
I don't want your heartbeat slowing but instead racing once you see a cute guy at the bus stop.
I don't want your cold skin but want it filled with warmth tucked under a blanket within.
I don't want your voice fading, but heard and echoed even in the tombs of Egypt, quaking
I don't want you gone, I am here to listen
I officially break the silence
just give me a phone call