The gulps. They flash in front of my eyes every time I close them I feel the stings still, burning me, more than I remember the clem

Indelible. I know I used to block the blows and words, close my eyes,

What I don’t, is when I quit it. When I started accepting them without the cries.

I never stopped hugging my legs, afflicting my skin, yanking my hair, I do it still. Though I did stop yearning for things and did start curbing my will.

You so wanted me to bleed from both, my veins and eyes,

To not only break into but destroy the place where my love lies. I used to think you didn’t want to do it, ruin me,

But how does it matter? You knew I would NEVER break free. Your face. It didn’t just haunt me, it became a part of me.

Something I see in everyone holding me back from everything I want to be.

Scared. I remember being terrified of turning into you,

Morphing into something that would make me scared of myself, stepping into YOUR shoe. I took vows, to never get close to anyone, wishing this pain to no one else

Seeing some similarities I thought I would take your place when your soul melts. I feel ashamed but i realise now, it wasn’t a terror of becoming you

It was the fear of losing you, a monster that was all this little girl had.