THE FOLLOWING POEM WAS SELECTED IN WINGWORD POETRY PRIZE 2023 LONGLIST.
I stand, amidst a crowd of expensive wine and billowing skirts,
of manicured nails and polished pomade,
Khamaj hums around me, a steady drone of melody and litany
Chin up, eyes down, I stand, amidst a crowd of
unforgiving eyes and puncturing mouths,
Back straight, mouth sewn shut, I stand,
amidst a crowd of prejudice and pride,
Assuming eyes palm my back, twist my gut,
as sharp tongues vitiate my skin, permanently bruising
Composure tightens around my cinched waist, an unyielding leash;
Around me, the world speaks in hushed whispers of supposed sinners and saints, of debauchery and propriety,
Around me, the world does not forget and its memory does not forgive
I am tall, I am timid,
Suffocated, I gasp, gasp, gasp for breath and my eyes fall close
My jewel studded feet ache from carrying the woes of a lifetime, they move, involuntary, seeking solace,
A lock clicks beneath my palm, my eyes open, solitary haven at last; I breathe,
Looking, I see bespoke glass embedded in amethyst and topaz,
Looking into the mirror, I see a carefully masked face gazing back
Looking into the mirror, I see myself, I see a familiar stranger
I see countless withered words on my lips, dry teardrops beneath my lashes, dissonance in my eyes
Looking into the mirror, I see myself, swollen eyes and marred waist,
I see my inhibitions
My ragged heart, thud, thud, thuds against the scintillating glass,
emotions threatening to spill over onto the velvet carpet, rigid underneath my feet,
Looking into the mirror, I am tall, I am timid
I blink out of my chaos
As I move, I trip, momentarily losing balance
I catch myself before I fall, I always do
I am okay, I always am
Armed with sword and shield again,
I turn one last time to glimpse the glass
Looking into the mirror, I see myself, battle armour up, timid and tall
cracked at the seams,
I see a reflection of my fears
Slowly, I pick up my courage and let myself dream,
I see a world void of prejudice and judgement, a world void of cyanide and vitriol
Looking into the mirror, I let myself hope for a moment as I envision iridescent light, a luminescent tomorrow and I turn away
Chin up, eyes down, I walk,
Khamaj envelops me once more, as,
I face the world again.