THE FOLLOWING POEM WAS SELECTED IN WINGWORD POETRY PRIZE 2023 LONGLIST.
I'm the wrong chord you played on your guitar
For your lover in the summer of '23
I'm the ugly meteor among the stars
That no one wants to see
I'm the rotten egg among the perfect dozen,
The one you throw away
Please don't break me, I'm already broken
And there's nowhere for me to sail away
Far away, so far away
Do you see me fading out?
There's no other way,
Nowhere to go, nothing to shout
"But you look just fine!"
My screams are muffled, Honey,
confined to my mind's shrine,
Somewhere dark and lonely
I've built this wall around me,
It's not breaking down anytime soon,
I'm burning in my hell, you see,
It's burning like the scorching heat at noon
I'm alone, I'm so alone,
I wish someone would break down this wall,
For all my sins I'll atone
If only someone heard my call
I don't need a Prince Charming,
I don't need a beauty or a beast,
Maybe I'll fall for the Devil's calling,
Touch his outstretched hand at least
I've been good all my life and got nothing
Maybe I should switch sides
I want to feel something, anything
I don't want to hide
Teach me to sin, Devil,
Teach me your ways
Show me how to be evil,
Set my soul ablaze
Maybe I should drown in liquor,
Maybe I should rob,
Maybe I should try murder,
Or maybe I should just sit and sob
But no, I cannot flip like a switch
I'm not inherently bad
Maybe I have a glitch
Maybe I'm driving myself mad
So, teach me to drink; drink the liquor of art
Teach me to kill; kill my insecurities
Teach me to rob; rob bad memories from my heart
Teach me to hit; hit anxiety and be at ease
Or I can think of a million ways
that you can end me
I've learned the error of my ways
Heaven or hell, just send me
It's time to turn my nightmares into dreams,
Time to befriend the monster, Frankenstein I will be,
In this still, black lake I'll freeze,
Until you shove my head in it and drown me
Choke me with your ice-cold fingers,
Scale me like a fish, whip me till I bleed,
Let the stench of my blood linger
A little longer than you need
Chop me into pieces like wooden logs
Throw me down a deep, dark well
Or feed me to the wolves and the dogs
After all, I'm a mere animal
Oh, Devil, these men won't love me
The way you will; fatally
They're far too scared of me
And how I talk of death so casually
Oh, Devil, I can't feel anything, I'm numb;
Won't you love me right and then end me?
To you I will submit, to you I will succumb
I'd rather that than live like this, you see.
Dance with me, take over me
Take my body and soul
Lonely, I'm so lonely
End me and dump my body in a hole
Only stagnant water is still,
And I've been still for far too long
When I see all these pills
I can't tell right from wrong
Please, come, supreme demon,
Touch me, for no one else will,
Teach me to burn like the sun,
I'm so tired, tired of staying still.