Dear Maa

You called me heartless

as I didn’t shed a tear

yes, I couldn’t

because I didn’t want to accept the reality.

I sat by him whom everyone

called a body, and felt

the cremation burning in my mind,

of my own heart, of my own soul.

I watched his motionless chest and

hoped it’ll turn

into a pulsating one soon,

I tried to observe everything

before the pain grappled me

Grappled my skin and soul but

I couldn’t feel my emotions all I could hear were

your words that haunt me forever:

Are you a rock? Don’t you love him? Cry!

I love him much more than you can imagine Maa,

he was and will always be

my little brother, my best friend

I know I should have cried but

I was so broken to let a tear pass down,

I was scared, if I cried

his death would turn into a reality!

My eyes felt like they were born out of drought,

dry no matter what,

when people touched me,

screamed at me, stared at me,

reality whispered to me

it threw me into a never-ending tunnel,

I felt empty,

drawn towards lifelessness,

I knew the reality but

I couldn’t cry maa, a part of me left my soul,

the loss of a loved one and the burden of your judgement!

I filled my stomach with food but only felt emptiness

a pit, a void within me, that shadowed my heart,

I felt a captive of pain, of being judged,

A tsunami within, chaos filled my days.

I no longer prayed or hoped,

pain shadowed me day and night,

my heart lingered around the one I lost

and the judgment that you passed on me Maa,

the loss of my brother will never heal me

nor your sorry will take away the chaos I experience,

but your sorry may help me not feel this pathetic Maa!