THE FOLLOWING POEM WAS SELECTED IN WINGWORD POETRY PRIZE 2023 LONGLIST.
half blind I was
missed a ton of dull shades in people
dearest to the magenta of my pulpy heart
held onto breadcrumbs
mistaking it for a full meal
terribly lonely it was
in my own home and world
my words made no sense to their minds
their hearts were deaf to the tunes I hummed
silence became my new cloak
with those creatures of familiar blood
of distant hearts and broken bonds
I saw the fire of my soul peter out in my dark eyes
over and over
slowly at first, later all at once
draining me dry
and I saw every time, flashing in front me
all the times it happened before
and my limp numb heart
caressing what was left of me
trying to ignite it again
every time my fire was back, a little dimmer it burned
held onto it but I, with all my strength
my innards longing nothing more than to go back
to the womb I had come from
where nothing of this world could ever touch me
where I could feel safe
safe again
where even my own mother wouldn’t hurt me
years passed
as I roamed around like a lost planet
looking for my Sun
deep down wishing for an entire galaxy to look for me
to bond with hearts that beat
at the pace my tiny one purred
hearts that could see silences and hear smiles
that were different from the ones I had called home for a long time
that earned my little purrs one by one
and missed them when there were none
for once I wished
for someone to see the beauty in me
someone other than me
soon enough
as I came of age
looked around to become full and whole
in deep intimacy with another soul
but two souls, halves within
could they ever make each other feel whole?
stupid to think we could give our heart to the moon
when the Sun still lurked in alleys, dark and dull
anyway, what even was this love the world talked about?
I could only see it around me
when it was thriving inside of me
on days I was empty
no lovers were found on earth
all love was dead in hearts around me
smothered I was for so long
forgot I could breathe too
breathe on my own
breathe a full breath without life support
I had lived under the shadow of trees for long
now I wished to walk into light to see my own
with not a care in the world
like a peacock I danced in my heart
drunk with mad joy I danced
followed my breath till the last point
as I looked on, empty of all thought
the hollow within flipped
to reveal a golden path
to fullness
a pause in space and time
an emptiness unlike any I had known before
the emptiness of the mind I would try to fill
this one made me feel full
Is this the one enlightened ones have spoken of?
as I walked deeper into it
every cell in my body was bathed in sweet delight
my heart slipped
just like it did when I was a carefree kid
like in those blissful few minutes just before rains
when dark clouds hovered above
and silent winds swept streets
all birds flew away to their homes and little ones
when my eyes were blind to all but beauty around
something like that but grander by many many times
wish I could pen it down
but no words can be found
what was this emptiness that I had chanced upon?
which was all things beautiful and more
which was everything together all at once
which was
completely empty
but totally full
what was it?