things i think killed my father:
1. keeping dead flowers
2. breaking that one glass
3. using scissors without any use of them
4. the drinking
5. the blood pressure
6. the anger he couldnt stop from falling out his mouth like flies from a carcass
7. not listening when he told me the story of his pictures
8. and his friends
9. and his child
10. saying he was sick
11. listening when he said he was dying
12. listening when he said i am the eldest so i must do what he did and live as he did
13. listening to the instructions on what to do when he dies
14. not if
15. when
16. wishing i was gone
17. wishing he was gone
18. not letting him touch me
19. not letting him hold me
20. not letting him in my life
21. not telling him to come closer when he sat on my bed
22. letting him sit at the edge of my bed
23. letting him sit at the edge of my life
24. letting him sit at the edge of his life
25. why didnt i do something
26. why didnt i scream at him to stay home
27. why did i fall asleep to my own headache to the sound of my heart pumping blood
28. selfish selfish girl
29. why cant you stay up for him
30. why cant you get him the doctor
31. why didnt you get him the help he needed
32. you knew
33. you knew and you did nothing
34. when you know your fate and read those of those around you like the lines on your
own bloodied hands
35. why do you run
36. when you were never meant to be young and unworried why do you try
37. when you knew you were the one who lives
38. why would you let him die trying
39. was he in pain
40. was it the medicines and the alcohol that mixed in his throat like the elixir he prayed
for it to be and so it drowned him in it that way too
41. or was it that he choked in his own vomit from the parties and the life and the booze
42. or did he just choke from the life
43. was it the sadness that killed him
44. did his organs give way like a factory shutting down
45. a home filled to the brim with lives lived not enough photos scattered seats still warm each room turning off its lights on it own
46. could you feel it
47. please tell me you were asleep
48. please tell me it was a kind dream
49. please tell me life was kind to you though i know it wasn’t
50. please tell me i was kind to you though i know i wasnt
51. how long did he lie there as the breath went out like cold fog did it freeze over him or
was there mist
52. there must be from how cold he was
53. god was he cold
54. he was blue he was the arctic he was grief
55. his eyes were closed please tell me he knew where he was leaving for
56. did he try to live for us
57. or did you leave me as this rotting thing you ask me to work and live as again
58. was this some sick lesson or were you just tired
59. please say something
60. im so tired please say something
61. im not meant for this dad please tell me what to do
62. how will i take care of them
63. i know youd say as i have been but
64. im too young
65. i know you were too but you promised
66. you cant leave me with this you promised
67. its not the first one youve broken
68. we were supposed to do so much together
69. you showed me every hope you had and secretly i made them my own
70. and now i am to go on and live the life you were meant to
71. and so i will stay and get my degree
72. and i will raise my brother
73. and i will raise my mother
74. and i will raise myself
75. and i will go to london and stay there
76. and have a love that doesn’t leave
77. and money that doesn’t run out
78. and i will be happy and not question whether i am hated
79. for you, i will be loved
80. its some sick joke that the dream they had progresses by one each generation
81. each firstborn a dreamer taken too soon
82. i will break it
83. the sons in our family run out but i am no son and i will keep us safe
84. i promise you i will keep them safe
85. you told me i am my fathers daughter
86. you and i reflection of each other, every time i raise my voice i hear you cough from
the strain in my throat
87. my vocal chords expand to the size of a casket and no words come out to tell anyone
how angry i am anymore
88. i cant let the venom you spit out die with you but i refuse to sting and so the poison dissolves my own throat
89. in my laugh there are your jokes
90. in the way i talk there is your charm
91. id rather be blank canvas id rather burn this character sketch that looks me in the eye
to mock me as i exist
92. it is less picture more mirror
93. i am you in every way that i can be and i wish i cut could it out of me the same way
you told me to man up and cut the meat we bought myself like a big girl
94. who cares if its dead you respect what it died for, you said
95. dont be afraid, you said
96. you take the knife and you cut it and you say thank you for dying for me
97. i cant forgive or forget or go on or be brave
98. but i will live with the shards you keep shattering me to
99. i will do what i must with what you have left me with
100. and i will make sure you are proud of me 101. i wish you knew how loved you are
102. i hope you liked me 103. i liked you
104. i loved you
105. i love you
106. i miss you
107. please dont leave me this way
108. please never come back to this
109. i hope you can breathe now that you dont have to
110. goodbye. i will keep you alive.